


it always leads to you (and my hometown)

by cllarkes



Category: The 100 (TV), The 100 Series - Kass Morgan
Genre: Christmas Fluff, F/M, Family Feels, Light Angst, Past Clexa - Freeform, Wells Jaha Lives, bless taylor swift, mentions sex but no graphic smut, past Becho, they're not mentioned much though
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-08
Updated: 2021-01-30
Packaged: 2021-03-13 23:21:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 18,383
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28536555
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cllarkes/pseuds/cllarkes
Summary: Clarke Griffin is positive that Bellamy Blake hates her.After all, she did dump him out of nowhere two and a half years ago when she decided to run off to L.A. and become an actress.That's why she's shocked when she comes back to New Jersey and he asks her to come crash on his couch.or, yet another bellarke fic inspired by "'tis the damn season"
Relationships: Bellamy Blake/Clarke Griffin
Comments: 2
Kudos: 45





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I see everyone collectively decided that 'tis the damn season is a Bellarke song, so I'm joining in on all the fun. I wanted to finish this entire fic before or on Christmas, but 2020 kept kicking my ass till the very end and I got sidetracked by a bunch of other shit going on in my life soooo here we are in January 2021. I hope you still have a little bit of holiday spirit left in you lmfao.
> 
> Also, in this fic's universe Clarke is 23, Bellamy is 25, and Octavia is about to turn 18. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy!

Clarke Griffin once vowed that she’d never return to New Jersey.

Why would she? Her father has been dead for years and she and her mother have managed to screw up their relationship to a point where neither of them is trying to repair it anymore. Her childhood best friend, Wells Jaha, is living in London for grad school and the two of them have drifted apart. She’s been blowing off the rest of her friends for years and doubts that they’ll be eager to welcome her back.

And most of all, she can’t face _him_. Not after what she had done.

Yet here she is, staring out the window as the plane lands in Newark, wondering if she’s just made the biggest mistake of her life.

~ ~ ~

Once reunited with her luggage, Clarke takes a moment to really, really think about what she’s just done.

The decision to leave Los Angeles had been a spur-of-the-moment one.

It all started when one of her so-called friends (possibly Karleigh, probably Krystal) went to Us Weekly and anonymously leaked the details of her breakup with her ex, Lexa. Except the leaked story was greatly exaggerated and could not be further from the truth — not to mention, it totally made Clarke look like a backstabbing bitch.

Lexa came from a family that was considered Hollywood royalty, so of course most people took interest in the story and were quick to call Clarke every name in the dictionary. Luckily, Lexa had super understanding about the whole situation and, after a day and a half long joint effort of damage control, her name was cleared.

Once that mess was over, Clarke put on her favorite heels and headed over to The Exodus, a low-key bar in Santa Monica, eager to blow off some steam. She chatted with Roan, her favorite bartender, and everything was going great until her occasional hookup, Niylah, spotted her. She apparently hadn’t gotten the memo that Clarke was un-cancelled and proceeded to drunkenly call her a string of insults in front of the entire bar.

Needless to say, Clarke was not having it, and, after telling Niylah to fuck off, she had stormed out of the bar and called an Uber home.

But the final straw was when Clarke stepped into her apartment and found her flatmate on the sofa, half naked, making out with none other than her ex, Finn Collins.

That was it. She had to get out of there.

She had thrown her warmest clothes into a large suitcase and booked the first available flight to New Jersey.

(She had known, deep down, that her trip wasn’t as spontaneous as she wanted to believe. Her need to get the hell out of L.A. had been building for months, and those few days had simply been the tipping point.)

She stands outside Newark Liberty’s arrivals lobby, shivering in the cold wind, wondering where the hell she’s going to stay. Abby’s house is out of the question — their relationship consists of short calls on birthdays and texts on holidays and liking each others’ profile pictures on Facebook. They haven’t been face to face in almost three years, and Clarke still feels a little resentful for what happened after her father’s death. She doesn’t talk to any of her old friends - Wells, Raven, Jasper, Monty, Harper, and Murphy - and has no idea if they’re even home for the holidays.

Bellamy briefly crosses her mind, but what would she even say to him? She had dumped him in the most terrible way and avoided all contact with him for years and she was _ashamed._ He probably hates her, and with good reason.

_I did not think this through._

She sighs and opens the Uber app. There’s a cozy little lodge on the outskirts of Arkadia that’s owned by a sweet older couple and is surprisingly affordable, and most importantly, far enough away that she knows she won’t run into anyone she knows.

She doesn’t have a return ticket, Clarke thinks later that night as she steps out of the shower and changes into her fuzzy pajamas. She can hide here for as long as she wants, or go back to L.A. as early as tomorrow if this trip turns out to be a total disaster.

The thought of going back to L.A. unnerves her, honestly, and she takes a moment to remind herself that she’s not there anymore, that she’s away from all the toxicity and flashiness and the constant feeling that she’s slowly suffocating from everything and everyone around her.

(She had to calm herself down the same way right after she left New Jersey two and a half years ago, and she _hates_ to admit it)

Clarke closes her eyes and tries to clear her head. It’s all going to be ok, she thinks, she can visit the city if she’s feeling ambitious, she can stay at the lodge all day, and order takeout from that Thai place she and her parents used to love, and binge Netflix under the warm covers while it snows outside—

 _Yeah,_ she reasons with herself, _how bad can it possibly be_?

~~~ 

The next day, Clarke is walking through the shopping plaza down the street from the lodge, BLT in hand, and peering into the windows of the cute boutiques when she stumbles right into someone.

“Oops, I’m so sorry—“

When she gets a good look at the other person’s face, her stomach does a flip.

Octavia Blake. Slightly taller, longer hair, no longer fourteen years old, but still unmistakably Octavia Blake.

“Clarke,” Octavia starts, and the coldness in her voice is evident.

“H-hey Octavia.”

Octavia just glares at her for a moment, so Clarke decides to try again.

“I didn’t expect to see you here, isn’t it kinda far from where you live?”

“I work here,” Octavia nods at the window display with the gorgeous forest green dress that Clarke was staring at. “My shift starts in 10. What are _you_ doing here?”

Clarke shrugs. “I’m just… in town”

“Are you visiting anyone? Your mom?”

“No, I’m just… here. I’m staying at the lodge down the road. ”

Octavia narrows her eyes.

“You’re back in Arkadia for the first time in years, but you’re not here to see anyone. You’re back…just because.”

Well, when she puts it like _that_ , it does make her sound kinda sus.

“Look, Octavia, I know you probably hate me for what happened with Bellamy, but—“

Octavia shakes her head and snorts.

“Clarke, I don’t even know the full details. Back then I just thought my older brother getting dumped was hilarious. But I saw firsthand how heartbroken he was and I _still_ don’t think he’s fully over you.”

Now _that_ catches Clarke off guard.

Her disbelief must show on her face, because Octavia grabs her wrist and softens her eyes a little.

“I’m just saying: if he finds out that you’re here, he’ll want to talk to you.”

Octavia grimaces and starts to turn around.

“I gotta go before my boss freaks out on me. Nice talking to you.”

She walks into the boutique and slams the door behind her, leaving Clarke standing alone and feeling more than a little confused.

She’s not quite sure how long she stands there, but eventually she turns around, dumps her half-eaten sandwich in the trash, and speed-walks back to the lodge.

~~~

Back in L.A., whenever it felt like her head was about to explode, Clarke would take out her sketchbook and draw.

At first, she only drew her dad, and hung up his pictures all around her room to make her feel like he was still there with her. Then, she started taking commissions to make some extra money, and ended up drawing other people’s loved ones and landscapes of the California coast. 

Now, she sits at a café across from the lodge, flipping through the pages of the worn book.

Her mind has been racing since her conversation with Octavia, and she’s tried _everything_ to take her mind off it — especially the notion that Bellamy might not totally hate her.

Because the truth is that she never really got over him as well.

Finn was a disaster in every way, stringing her along while dating another girl behind her back. And Lexa… she had loved Lexa, but they weren’t meant to last.

After both those breakups, as different as the two situations were, her mind had immediately strayed to Bellamy.

Clarke doesn’t notice that she has subconsciously been sketching someone while lost in her thoughts until she looks down and sees her pencil moving.

A man’s face, with a perfect jawline, curly hair, big dark eyes, and signature freckles.

Bellamy.

 _No_. She’s being ridiculous. She can’t get her hopes up.

She’s surprised by how strong the feeling of frustration that crashes over her is, and she forcefully rips the page out of her book, crumples it up, and stuffs it into her purse.

~~~

Clarke returns to the café the next day. She orders a flat white, flirts a little with the cute barista, and takes a seat in the cozy chair near the window.

She lets herself relax and engage in some good, old-fashioned people watching, a hobby she’s always had a knack for.

There’s young professionals dressed in suits who are probably on their lunch breaks, older ladies meeting for tea and pastries, little kids begging their mothers to buy them hot chocolate…

And then a tall, curly haired man enters the building, and Clarke’s stomach churns.

She’d recognize those curls anywhere.

He’s finishes typing something on his phone, puts it in his pocket, and looks her way. Their eyes meet, and—

“Hey, Clarke.”

There he is. Bellamy Blake, in the flesh.

Clarke panics. She gapes at him, wide-eyed, breathing hard.

He stares right back for a few seconds, eyebrow cocked, that signature smirk on his face. “That’s it? Two and a half years… and you’re not even gonna say hi?”

She swallows and puffs her chest out as she tries to regain her composure. “What are you doing here?”

She knows the answer already. Octavia must have told him she was in the area, and Bellamy must have figured her known coffee addiction would lead her to the café. He came here to confront her, she’d apologize but it wouldn’t be enough, everyone else in the café would stare at her, and she—

“I had to give O a lift to work and this place has good coffee.

That confuses Clarke. Octavia was always a huge gossip, living for the drama. “You mean Octavia didn’t mention me?”

Bellamy furrows his brow. “No. Did you run into her?”

Clarke snorts. “Yeah. Literally.”

Bellamy gives her an amused look. “Now, Clarke, I gotta ask you — what are _you_ doing here?”

Clarke decides to tell him the truth. There's no point in beating around the bush. “L.A. was just…too much, I guess. I had to get out for a while, so I decided to come here.”

“Sounds familiar.”

Clarke knows exactly what that comment means and she decides to ignore it.

“My mom and I aren’t exactly close right now and I don’t really talk to anyone else from here anymore, so I’m staying at Bergmann’s.”

Bellamy leans back in his chair. “Ahhh, Bergmann’s. You know I tutor the owners’ granddaughter?”

Clarke didn’t know that. All of Bellamy’s social media was public, and she’d be a liar if she said she’d never stalked him on there (once, she had accidentally liked one of his old photos at four in the morning and almost died of embarrassment). She knows he works as a tutor for local kids, but she’s clueless about the tiny details like that.

“That’s cool.”

“Yeah.”

She feels their conversation dying down and needs to do something _fast_ before he brings up the past.

“How’s your family doing?”

“They’re good. It’s O’s last year of high school so she’s been focused on college apps, and mom still works at Macy’s. Does your mom still have a stick up her ass?”

She snorts. It’s no secret that Bellamy and her mother never really got along. Abby didn’t think Bellamy fit the mold of the ideal boyfriend or girlfriend she had always imagined for Clarke, and Bellamy disapproved of her mother’s often uptight demeanor.

“Probably. We don’t talk much.”

“So you’re not gonna visit her at all?”

“Not planning on it.”

He pauses for a second, looking thoughtful. “How about your other friends? Wells? Harper? Raven?”

“After years of radio silence? Doubt it.”

He decides to surprise her by saying five words she thought would never come out of his mouth.

“Wanna crash on my couch?”

She laughs, because that’s the only reasonable reaction to what he just said. “Ha ha, Bellamy. You’re _hilarious_.”

“I’m serious.”

She stops mid-laugh because _what the hell_? “No you’re not.”

“Well you’re obviously not going to stay with your mom or your friends. Why waste your money when you could stay with me for free?”

Good point, but still: _what?_ “Are you fucking with me right now?”

She expects him to break his resolve, to cackle at her, to yell at her, do _anything_ , but he keeps a straight face.

“You’re supposed to _hate_ me, Bellamy, not offer me a place to stay.”

Bellamy crosses his arms. “I don’t hate you. You haven’t exactly been my favorite person, but I never hated you.

Clarke’s mind is spinning. As much as she would have hated to have him angrily confront her, she would have at least expected it. But this?

“You don’t hate me, but you don’t exactly _like_ me either, so you’re _inviting me to stay with you_?

“Look, Clarke, I’ll sleep in my bedroom and you’ll be on my sofa. We can ignore each other the entire time you’re there. Just… stay for a while until you figure your life out.”

As much as she hates to admit it, deep down, she’s sold.

There’s a voice in the back of her head, a voice that reminds her of her thoughts from the previous day. A voice that makes her think about all the times she thought of Bellamy while in L.A., dealing with breakups and shitty friends and auditions gone wrong.

A voice that reminds her of the face she drew yesterday.

Maybe this is her chance to finally make things right. He’s giving it to her, so she should take it.

There’s just one not-so-tiny detail that she’s been purposely ignoring. One detail that can save her before she completely gives in.

“What about your girlfriend?”

“Echo? We broke up two months ago.”

Clarke frowns. Bellamy and Echo seemed happy enough together, judging from all the photos of the couple she saw when she — very occasionally, mind you — used to stalk Echo’s Instagram.

Well. That settles it.

“Fine. I’ll go back to Bergmann’s to get my stuff and then I’ll come stay with you.”

He smirks at her again, and she swears she sees his eyes light up with pure joy for a split second. “Great. Just let me get my coffee first.”

~~~

Bellamy lives in brick building in Arkadia’s tiny downtown. His apartment is _very_ Bellamy — he has a big bookshelf near the TV, a few potted plants, and some antique items that he must have thrifted.

They hadn’t talked during the short drive to his place. Clarke had found herself staring out the window, alternating between feeling ecstatic and feeling like she should jump out the door and run the other direction. Meanwhile, Bellamy had turned on the oldies station and drummed his firsts to the beat against the steering wheel, just like he always used to.

She takes a seat on the couch she’ll be sleeping on and pulls the soft blue blanket over her legs. Bellamy offers her some leftover chicken and rice, and she politely declines because her stomach _still_ won't stop churning for some reason.

He grabs himself a plate and sits down in his reading chair, directly across from Clarke, and observes her with a quizzical expression.

“What?”

Bellamy chuckles. “Nothing. I just never thought I’d see you back in Arkadia, let alone in my apartment.”

Fair. She didn’t think she’d ever be back either.

He finishes eating quickly and leans back in the chair, folding his arms behind his head and putting his feet up on the stool.

Clarke doesn’t know what to say, and it’s not like he’s making a big effort to get any conversation going. Spending the night on his couch was a nice thought, but God, actually spending time with him during the day, making attempts at friendly smalltalk with so much still left unsaid between them? Terrifying.

She’s not gonna ask him to go hide in his room, because it’s his home and she’s the guest, but there’s another possibility.

“Don’t you have kids to go tutor?”

Bellamy smirks. “So you _have_ been keeping up with me.”

Clarke shrugs and looks down at the floor, fiddling with a loose thread on the blanket.

“Nah, all the local kids are on winter break. That means you’re stuck with me.”

 _Great._ This is going to be the most awkward afternoon ever.

“So…. has anything exciting happened to you lately?”

He thinks for a few seconds. “Not really. Besides my breakup with Echo, my life’s been pretty uneventful.”

“Why did you break up?” The words come out before she can stop them. 

Bellamy crosses his arms defensively. “Whoa there, unlike you, I’m not a celebrity. Nobody needs to know anything about my breakups.”

Clarke resists the urge to roll her eyes. _I’m not even close to being a celebrity_ , she thinks, and opens her mouth to tell him but he speaks before she can say anything.

“Although, if you _must_ know, it wasn’t over text.”

 _Ouch._ That one hurts, even though she knows she deserves it.

It must show on her face, because Bellamy says, “Relax, Clarke. I’m just kidding. We don’t have to talk about it. Let’s leave the past in the past.”

 _Huh?_ She had not been expecting that at all. But Bellamy must really want to drop the subject, because she sees him reach over to the bookshelf and grabs a thick book with a silky red bookmark sticking out. _Norse Gods and Giants_. Typical.

Clarke grabs her phone and starts scrolling through her Twitter feed. Bellamy might not want to talk about what happened when she left, at least not right now, but she’s going to gather up enough courage to properly apologize to him. Eventually. Maybe not tonight, maybe not tomorrow morning, maybe not until right before she leaves for the airport. But it’s going to happen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's it for chapter one!
> 
> This whole fic was originally supposed to be a one-shot, but it's turning out to be a lot longer than I anticipated so I decided to break it up.
> 
> Let me know if you liked it! All feedback is greatly appreciated (all I ask is that you be kind).


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry that it took so long to update! Life got a lil crazy again, but it's calmed down now and I actually have time to write again! The good news is that Chapter 3 is like 98% done so it should be up very soon.
> 
> Thank you for all your Kudos! I appreciate you all so much.
> 
> Enjoy!

Clarke’s afternoon is pretty uneventful.

Bellamy tells her that he has to go run a few errands and asks if she wants to come. She politely declines, mostly because she’s not in the mood to have another awkward conversation while pointedly avoiding the one thing she knows she should talk to him about. Then there’s the whole thing about not wanting to run into anyone she knows.

So Bellamy leaves and Clarke tries to relax. She browses through the books on Bellamy’s large bookshelf, and to nobody’s surprise, finds an assortment of historical literature. History’s never been her thing, but she’s able to be somewhat interested in a book about the Roman emperor Augustus.

Bellamy returns a few hours later with a few bags of groceries in hand, and Clarke puts down the book to help him unpack. They work in relative silence that’s only broken by Bellamy telling Clarke which cabinet and shelf to put certain items on. She’s a little stunned by how domestic the whole situation is, like it’s totally normal for them to put away groceries together after a long day. 

When they finish, Bellamy starts making dinner. Clarke offers to help with that too, but he declines — she should have known better, he’s never liked anyone else getting in the way while he cooks. She returns to the couch, picks the book back up, and pretends to be interested while watching Bellamy out of the corner of her eye.

“I didn’t know you were into Roman history,” he comments a while later while chopping some onions, and Clarke catches the teasing tone in his voice.

“It’s actually pretty cool,” she replies, and she means it.

He stops chopping and turns towards her, smirk playing on his lips and his hands on his hips. “If you want to learn more, I could… tutor you,” he says with a wink.

That’s funny, because Bellamy actually _did_ tutor Clarke when she had to take a Renaissance history class for gen ed credit. She remembers those late night study sessions at his apartment before her exams (she never got that much studying done those nights) and how they proofread and edited her final paper over and over and over again until it was the perfect mix of _I fucking love history and could probably take over your job_ and _I’m only taking this class because I need the credits_. 

She wonders if he’s reminiscing as well, if his mind is filled with memories of their shared past.

She doesn’t want to dwell on it too long, so she settles for a playful eye roll. “Calm down, Professor Blake.”

He laughs and goes back to the food. They used to go back and forth like that all the time, and she’s surprised by how natural that banter was even after years of separation. But the moment is short lived, and once it is over, they go back to that awkward silence she loathes. 

Whatever he’s making smells really good though, and her stomach growls. She thinks she hears him snort, though he doesn’t say anything to her.

A while later, he calls her over to the little table in the corner of the room and she eagerly digs into the chicken stir fry he made. 

“Mmm, this is delicious!” she tells him. He’s always been an exceptionally good cook.

He thanks her, and they eat in silence again for a while.

“Do you still hang out with Miller and Riley?” Clarke asks, hoping to break the tension.

“Mostly just Miller.”

“How’s he doing?”

“He’s good. If you’re planning to stay here for more than a few nights, you’ll probably see him around here.”

 _If you’re planning to stay for more than a few nights_ . How long does he expect her to stay? Does he actually _want_ her here for a long time?

Bellamy brings her back to the present. “How are your friends in L.A.? What are their names again? Krystal? Karleigh? ”

Now _that’s_ a loaded question, and one of the absolute last things she wants to talk about.

“They’re fine, I guess,” she says, forcing herself to sound way less ambivalent about the subject than she actually feels.

He keeps pressing. “They must miss you. Are they mad that you’re not going to spend your Christmas with them?”

Clarke sighs. The sooner she can end this particular conversation, the better. “Nah, they always fly off to Fiji or Tulum or wherever all the mega rich people are going that season. Meanwhile, I spent all my L.A. Christmases FaceTiming with my mom for 5 minutes before taking an overpriced Uber and walking up and down Venice Beach all by myself until the sun went down. Then, I’d heat up a frozen pizza and watch the least Christmas-y movie I could find while trying to ignore the fact that everyone on the face of the Earth was celebrating with friends and family while I was alone because I had nobody.” 

She knows she sounds cold, and she’s basically screaming _‘Please drop this subject right now before I lose my mind’_ at him. 

Either he doesn’t get the hint, or he does but doesn’t care, because he’s not done yet. “They never even thought to invite you to go with them?”

“We never talked about it. Honestly? I haven’t spoken to them since the Lexa drama. I didn’t even tell them I was leaving, and, well… I don’t even think they’ve noticed.”

“And you call these people your friends? Why haven’t you cut them out yet?”

Clarke looks up from her stir fry. He seemed _annoyed_ with her, he heard the edge to his voice. Like he’s actually angry at the fact that her friends treat her like this, angry that she’s letting herself be walked all over.

Or maybe he’s angry because her friends back here clearly cared about her more than her friends in California do, but she dropped them anyway.

Either way, something about his tone and the reminder of her life in L.A. and his unwillingness to change the subject to something else makes her angry

“It’s hard to make good friends over there, Bellamy. That place is full of clout chasers and people who want to use you to get ahead. You wouldn’t know, because it’s nothing like Arkadia,” she retorts, angrily snapping at him.

Bellamy wants to say more, she knows he does. He’s staring at her, fork halfway to his mouth, brow furrowed. It’s the same expression he used to get when he was debating someone about politics or historical interpretations and thinking of the perfect response to shut them up. 

Instead, he shrugs, pours himself some more water, and keeps eating. 

They finish the meal in silence, and afterwards, Bellamy cleans up while Clarke excuses herself to take a shower. When she’s done, she sees Bellamy’s bedroom door closed and hears music coming from his room.

Damn it. Why did she have to snap at him like that? She could have just straight up told him that she didn’t want to talk about her friends and he would have left it alone. Instead, she managed to piss them both off and make things even more awkward.

She figures she should at least be polite, so she knocks on his door and calls out to him.

“I’m going to bed now. Thanks for the dinner, have a good night.”

She hears him lower his music before he replies. “Sleep well, Clarke!”

Ok, he doesn’t sound that mad at all. That’s good, at least. They can both sleep it off and she’ll apologize tomorrow.

She crawls under the sheets he left her, tries to ignore that it’s only nine in the evening and she’s not tired, and stares at the ceiling, letting the distant sounds of Bellamy’s music lull her to sleep. 

Maybe tomorrow will be less awkward.

~ ~ ~

The next day, Bellamy has to leave again - Aurora needs his help with something, and he doesn’t even bother to invite Clarke along. It doesn’t bother her too much - after all, she had told him the previous day that she wanted to keep her presence in Arkadia on the down low.

So, Clarke spends another day alternating between the sofa and reading chair, making her way through more history books and watching whatever cheesy Christmas movie happens to be on TV.

That also leaves her plenty of time to think about how she snapped at Bellamy out of nowhere last night. 

It wasn’t completely out of nowhere - every thought of L.A. and her so-called friends has been leaving her on edge lately. She thought she had made it clear that she didn’t want to talk about it, but he wanted to break through her walls.

Just like old times.

After her father had died, she’d shut down. She had cried herself to sleep almost every night afterwards, her grades suffered, and she distanced herself from everyone and everything in her life. Nobody knew just how bad her mental state had gotten - she was _very_ good at putting on a fake smile and pretending that everything was ok. When her friends had noticed that she went silent in their group chat and declined most of their invitations to hang out, she had told them that it was because she was falling behind in school and needed to devote her time to studying, and although they believed her it could not be further from the truth - her grades were slipping, but she’d go to the library, open a textbook, and stare blankly at the pages for hours, her mind roaming everywhere except the subject at hand. Only Bellamy could see past her facade, but even when he pushed at her to open up about how she felt, she didn’t fully let him in and insisted that she was just feeling a little down sometimes and swore that she was slowly getting better. 

Back then, he had cared about her, he had loved her. He saw that something was bothering her and made it his mission to get to the bottom of things because he wanted to do everything he possibly could to help her. 

Is it possible that he still cares about her now?

She shakes her head, scolds herself under her breath for even daring to think like that. _No_. He may care enough to offer her hospitality in his home, but her actions two and a half years ago must have ensured that he’ll never love her like that again.

She turns her attention back to the TV and forces herself to take interest in some tacky Cinderella-inspired Hallmark movie.

Five o’clock comes and goes, then six o’clock, and there’s still no sign of Bellamy. It’s completely dark outside and her brain is getting a little foggy, and before she knows it, she’s asleep.

Clarke wakes up to the sound of keys turning in a lock. She rubs her eyes, and checks the time on her phone. Eight o’clock. _Damn, was I really out for two hours_?

She directs her gaze at Bellamy, who gives her a gentle smile. “I figured you’d get hungry, so I brought you some food from my mom’s house,” he tells her, walking over to the couch and holding out some Tupperware.

She takes it from him and makes her way to the table. He follows and sits down across from her, watching her eat his mother’s lasagna.

“Did you manage to help your mom with what she needed?” she asks.

“Yeah. Her car broke down a few days ago and it’s still at the mechanic. She needed to do a bunch of shopping, so I chauffeured her around.”

“Did you tell her I’m in town?” She figures it’s a fair question. Clarke had met Aurora more than a couple of times, and the two of them had always gotten along well.

Bellamy shakes his head. “I didn’t have to. Apparently Octavia told her after she ran into you. I told her that you’re staying with me, and she wanted me to pass along that she watched your movie and hopes you’re doing well.”

Clarke nearly chokes on her lasagna. _Aurora_ had seen her movie as well? 

She must have said it out loud, because Bellamy nods. “Actually, we all had a viewing party. Me and her and Octavia.”

She figures she must look pretty shocked, judging by the amused look Bellamy gives her.

“Don’t look so surprised,” he laughs. “It was a pretty big deal around here. It’s not everyday that someone from insignificant little Arkadia makes it big in Hollywood.”

Clarke snorts. “I’d hardly call being an extra in some commercials and the lead in an Indie movie that barely anyone has heard of ‘making it big in Hollywood’,” she informs. 

“You know what I mean.”

She looks up from her lasagna and gives him a small smile, which he returns. Thankfully this dinner is going much better than last night’s, so she decides to quit beating around the bush.

“Sorry for snapping at you last night.”

Bellamy dismisses her with a wave of his hand. “Don’t worry about it. I won’t bring that subject up again.”

“I just… I don't really want to talk or think about L.A. right now. I know my friends suck but I’m trying to ignore that right now.”

“Clarke. It’s fine. I shouldn’t have kept pushing. We don’t have to talk about L.A. unless you decide that you want to. Now stop apologizing.”

So she does. She finishes her dinner as they chat about their days. Bellamy tells her about his day with Aurora, and, much to Bellamy’s delight, Clarke tells him her favorite facts from the history books she read.

When she’s done, she rinses off the Tupperware and returns to the couch - _Home Alone_ just started playing and there’s no way she’s missing out on that. Bellamy decides to surprise her when he joins her a few minutes later.

There’s quite a bit of space between them so it’s not like they’re about to start cuddling or anything like that, but it’s nice.

  
  


~ ~ ~

  
  


“Octavia’s coming over for dinner.”

 _Shit._ It’s just past noon, she’s just woken up,“Does she even know I’m here? In your apartment? Or is she gonna freak out the moment she sees me?”

“Probably. She lives with my mom, and my mom knows, so...”

Clarke’s stomach does a backflip. Octavia’s going to grill her and make her apologize and then grill her some more. It’s inevitable. Octavia doesn’t just let things go, and even though she was nice enough on Clarke’s first day back, she won’t miss the opportunity to use any means necessary to make Clarke give Bellamy the apology he deserves. 

Even though Clarke would be more than happy to do that on her own, _if only Bellamy would let her_.

“Relax, Clarke.”

She snaps her head up and meets Bellamy’s eyes. He’s looking at her with a concerned expression. “I’ll make sure she isn’t too mean.”

“I mean, if she is mean, I’ll probably deserve it.”

“Maybe a little,” Bellamy concurs, “but didn’t she already chew you out when you ran into her a few days ago?”

“No,” responds Clarke, “she was actually pretty nice. I mean, she was at her normal level of Octavia Blake snark, but I was expecting a lot worse.”

“You’ll be fine. You know how she is, but she used to love you. You’ll win her back in no time,” Bellamy reassures her.

Bellamy’s right, because hours later, when Octavia Blake joins them at the dinner table, things go suspiciously well. 

Sure, Octavia makes a joke or two about Clarke and Bellamy’s breakup, but any apprehension she feels after Octavia’s punchlines disappears when she hears Bellamy’s hearty laughs.

Eventually, the conversation turns to Octavia’s college apps. The first of her decision letters are about to start coming in, and there’s one school she’s got her sights set on.

“CSULB. I’ve wanted to go there for years.”

“You’ll get in. I know you will.” Bellamy affirms.

Octavia reaches across the table to grab his hand. “Thanks, big brother. Just like I know you’ll get into the grad program of your dreams.”

 _Grad program?_ Bellamy never mentioned that to Clarke - which, she supposes, makes sense, since the topic of school never came up between them. 

“You’re applying to grad school? Where?” she asks.

“Just a couple of schools,” Bellamy starts. “Polis State, University of Maryland, NYU…”

“UCLA…” Octavia winks at him.

“Yeah, O, UCLA. That’s a reach, though. They barely accept anyone.”

“Imagine if we all ended up in California together,” Octavia remarks, her eyes twinkling. “That would be perfect.”

The idea of Bellamy living in L.A. sounds too good to be true. Clarke imagines taking him to The Exodus, introducing him to Roan (she always thought they’d get along well). She imagines spending long days at the beach with him, swinging by UCLA to visit him, taking him as her plus-one to the premiere of her next movie.

“Yeah,” she whispers as Bellamy and Octavia laugh at some joke she must have missed. “It would be.” 

  
  


~ ~ ~

  
  


The next day, Bellamy proposes that they get out of the house and visit Arkadia’s Community Park,

“Come on, Clarke, you can’t just hide inside all day,” he says, smacking her gently with a pillow.

She groans and sits up. He’s right: she hiding in his apartment all day isn’t doing her any good. “As long as you promise me we can leave if I see someone I know.”

“Deal.”

That’s how they end up at the park’s seasonal ice rink, surrounded by families enjoying the sunny weather. The sound of laughter and smell of food from the concession stand fills the crisp air, creating a joyful atmosphere. 

Clarke, however, feels anything but joyful as she sits on a picnic table bench and watches a father teach his young daughter to skate. The little girl stumbles as her father holds her up by the arms and he eventually lets her go on her own, clapping and cheering as she finds her balance. It reminds Clarke of her own childhood, of winter days spent here with her dad.

“Are you ok?” Bellamy is walking over, carrying two pairs of skates. She takes her pair and nods nonchalantly.

He presses again. “Are you sure? The rental didn’t cost much, if you’re worried about being seen here we can leave and it won’t be a big deal—”

“I’m fine. I just— I used to come here with my dad all the time. Being here brings back a lot of memories.”

He puts down the skates and sits next to her. “Happy memories though, right?”

“Yeah, but…I miss him. And I keep thinking about how different my life could be if he hadn’t died, you know? In a good way, too. Maybe I’d still be friends with everyone from here, maybe I’d still have a good relationship with my mom, maybe you and I would still—“

She cuts off, but they both know what she was going to say: _Maybe you and I would still be together._

When he freezes and doesn't say anything for a long moment, she clears her throat, busies herself with putting on the skates, and hopes that he lets it go.

“But Clarke,” he starts, and she feels his comforting touch on her back, “it’s not all bad. If things had happened differently… maybe you’d be stuck doing something you hate instead of acting. Maybe you wouldn’t have been in a movie.”

He does have a point, but still: she’d trade all her acting experiences in L.A. for her father without a second thought if she could.

Bellamy seems to understand everything that she leaves unsaid. “Clarke, I know how much your dad meant to you. Hell, I miss him too sometimes, because he was great.”

Clarke sniffles. “He really was.”

“But everything you mentioned when you said your life could be different? You can still _have_ that, Clarke. Your friends… maybe they were pissed that you left at first, but it’s been a few years. I’m sure that they’d be understanding if you talked to them about everything. Your mom might be difficult sometimes, but I know the two of you still love each other. If you reach out to her and you’re both willing to work on your relationship, it’ll get better with time.”

Bellamy smiles at her, rubs gentle circles into her back. 

“And as for us? Well, Clarke, I’d say things between us could be a lot worse.”

There’s so much he could mean with that statement, and it makes her hopeful. Hopeful that they can at least be friends again. Maybe even more with time.

“Bell, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for what I did to you all those years ago. I’m sorry for—”

He cuts her off before she can continue. “Clarke. I told you— we don’t have to talk about that. Not right now.”

He leans down to lace up his skates as if everything were normal. As if she didn’t just try to apologize for dumping him for no good reason once again. 

God, it’s infuriating, but she’s also relieved. She knew she had just tried to go for it, and a simple “I’m sorry” is easy to say, but she’d have to say a lot more than just that. The idea of having a long conversation about everything, at a public park with tons of people around, is still pretty scary. 

They make their way onto the rink and start skating, both a little rusty. Christmas music plays from the speakers and snow flurries down from the branches of the trees above, making Clarke feel like she’s in a snow globe. 

At one point, Clarke trips over a pile-up of snow and trips over her own feet…

...stumbling right into Bellamy’s arms.

Seriously, it’s like something straight out of a rom com. Bellamy catches Clarke in a dip before she wipes out and they gaze into each other’s eyes for what seems like an eternity.

Bellamy snaps out of it first and straightens her back up. He sheepishly laughs. “I think it’s time to take a break. Come on, let’s get some hot chocolate.”

They sit down at the picnic table bench, facing outwards towards the rink, hot chocolates in hand.

“I have to ask you something.”

He puts down his hot chocolate. “What’s up?”

“A few nights ago, when you mentioned my friends and I got mad at you… you knew their names.”

Bellamy nods slowly. “Yeah, I guess I did.”

“I don’t think I ever mentioned their names to you, and, well, I think you know where this is going.”

Bellamy lets out a breath and leans back against the table. “Yeah, I stalked your Instagram. Guilty as charged.”

“You still cared about me.”

“Of course I cared. Yeah, you hurt me, but I used to love you. All those years we were together, you were my best friend. I… I was mad at you, but I didn’t hate you. I still cared about you, and I wanted to know if you were happy out there.”

“I wasn’t,” Clarke replies, shaking her head. “I mean, sometimes I was, I’m not going to deny that. But it didn’t end up being that dream life I imagined.”

“Social media can be deceiving,” he says, stretching his legs out and gazing at the rink. “My relationship with Echo wasn’t perfect either.”

Clarke remembers how shocked she had been when he told her they had broken up. Bellamy didn’t post much on any social media, but Echo was another story. Every time Clarke checked, her feed was filled with photos of her and Bellamy. Her and Bellamy kissing at some party. Her and Bellamy posing on the beach. Her and Bellamy, supposedly being the perfect couple.

In fact, there were so many photos that Clarke had to force herself to stop typing her username into the search bar because somewhere deep down inside her, it hurt to see Echo have what she wanted. She figures that’s why she was in the dark about their breakup, because surely she would have noticed when Echo would have stopped posting about her relationship.

“You two seemed really happy,” she acknowledges.

Bellamy takes one of his mittens off and starts rolling it in his hands, his eyes glued to the ground. “We were at first, but then she got really clingy and kind of…possessive, I guess. She had to know where I was and who I was with every second of every day, and I felt like I had to have her permission before I did anything. I couldn’t deal with it anymore, so I finally ended things.” 

“Yikes.”

“Yeah,” he says, and starts to chuckle. “It didn’t help that my mother and sister couldn’t stand her. O was ready to throw a party when I told her.”

Clarke tries to hide how smug she feels when she hears that. If there’s one thing she knows for sure, it’s that Aurora and Octavia adored her while she and Bellamy were together.

Bellamy gently elbows her. “Hey,” he challenges, “I’m not the only one who kept tabs on my ex. Remind me how you found out I was a tutor again? And how you came to the conclusion that Echo and I were oh so happy?”

A few days ago, she would have been mortified that he had brought that up again. Today, though, she decides to tell him the truth.

“I guess I cared about you too,” she says.

At that, he pulls her into a warm hug. She wraps his arms around him, burying her nose in the crook of his neck. _God, she missed this_.

They stay like that for a long time, just holding each other for the first time in years.

  
  
  


~ ~ ~

  
  
  


When night falls, Bellamy and Clarke are gazing across the park’s pond. After their ice skating adventure, they spent hours walking around the park and talking about everything they could think of. When the sun went down, they crossed the street to get dinner, and now they’re back in the park, just in time for the holiday light display.

The colorful lights reflect on the surface of the water

“Remember that coast-to-coast road trip we dreamt up?” Bellamy suddenly breaks the silence.

“Of course I remember. We had it all planned out— all the stops, all the tourist trap attractions, all the national parks and monuments to take photos at, everything,” she replies.

“We should do it someday. For real.” says Bellamy. “You could fly out to me on the east coast, or I could visit you in L.A., and then we could drive to the opposite coast and stay there for a while until one of us flies back home.

“Uh, you forgot one thing, genius.” Clarke turns towards Bellamy. “What would happen to the car.”

Bellamy thinks for a while, then shakes his head and laughs. “We’d find a way to figure things out. Just like we always do.”

She laughs too, and he slips a strong arm around her waist. They stand in silence for a while, watching the lights.

“Thank you,” Clarke says, breaking the silence.

“For what?”

“For this day. It’s been perfect… I’ve been happier today than I have been in a long time.”

Bellamy’s grip on her waist tightens and he pulls her closer. “So have I.”

She slips out of his grasp, grabs his hand, and turns him until he’s facing her. 

“I’m glad you let me stay with you. I’m glad you let me back into your life,” Clarke whispers.

She closes the distance between them and then she’s kissing him and he’s kissing her back and all she can focus on is his soft lips on hers and his warm arms wrapping around her body again. 

They pull apart, and look into each other's eyes for a moment before crashing their lips back together. This next kiss is deeper, more passionate, as they let out everything they’ve been holding back during the past few days, the past few years. Clarke melts into Bellamy, Bellamy melts into Clarke. 

For the first time in a long time, everything makes sense.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's it for Chapter 2! Hope you liked it :')
> 
> I just joined The t100 Fic for BLM Initiative! check out our carrd here for more info.
> 
> Thanks for reading and once again, all feedback is appreciated.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As promised, here's Chapter 3! Some new characters make their first appearance, including a very much alive Wells Jaha.
> 
> Chapter 4 should be up by next Monday at latest.

That night, Clarke sleeps in Bellamy’s bed.

They don’t have sex right away; they fall asleep holding each other, pressing tender kisses to each other’s faces, just enjoying the feeling of being each other’s again. It’s the best sleep Clarke has in ages.

In the morning, though, things escalate, pajamas come off, and their bodies find the long-lost rhythm they thought they’d forgotten. Clarke remembers just what she’s been missing for two and a half long years - the exquisite feeling of him filling her, his warm body like a blanket above her, his dark eyes filled with so much lust and adoration and pure _love_.

She doesn’t want it to end. 

“Stay with me,” Bellamy sighs into her hair later, arms lazily wrapped around her body. They’ve been under his sheets for too long and Clarke knows she’s sweaty and her stomach is grumbling but she doesn’t care.

She turns her head and plants a kiss on his forehead. “Trust me, I don’t want to get out of this bed anytime soon.”

“No, Clarke. I mean stay here. Don’t go back to L.A alone. Come be with me.”

_Oh no._

She wishes she could tell him that yes, she’ll move back to Arkadia, she’ll be his Princess again, she’ll wake up next to him for the rest of her life and they can spend every single morning like this. 

But she can’t.

She turns her whole body to face him. “I’m gonna have to go back, you know.”

Bellamy runs his fingers through the hair that frames her face. “But do you want to go back?”

She sighs, untangling herself from him and rolling onto her back. Because she doesn’t know. There are plenty of things she hates about L.A., but her new career, her fresh start — those are all over there. She isn’t exactly itching to leave it all behind and move back to Arkadia either, even if she does have Bellamy. “Bell, it’s complicated.”

He rolls onto his side, propping her head up on his arm and raising his eyebrow. “You told me yourself that you don’t like the people or the culture in California. What’s so complicated about this?”

“I know, but Bellamy… it finally feels like my acting career might be going somewhere. It’s all about connections over there, and people in the Indie film community actually know who I am now. And I _love_ acting.”

“You can have that here, Clarke. We’re so close to New York City, and I know it’s not the same as L.A. but there’s plenty of acting opportunities out here too.”

She laughs. “You’re right, it’s not the same. The opportunities don’t even come close. Besides, if I come back here, I’m gonna run into my old friends or my mom eventually and I don’t even want to think about how that will go.”

“I can help you talk to them when you’re ready. I’m sure they’ve missed you and they’ll be happy to see you again. Think about it— you’ll have me, you’ll have your friends and your family. It’ll be just like old times, except you’ll actually be doing what you like.”

She catches an almost desperate tone in his voice. Like he’s begging her to stay.

But she can’t stay. She knows she can’t.

“I don’t want it to be like old times, Bellamy! That’s not why I came here. I came here as… to … to _escape_ for a bit, but I’m gonna have to go back.”

He sits up suddenly, untangling his limbs from hers, and Clarke feels dread creep in.

“So that’s all this is to you. A temporary hookup. A distraction.”

“ _What_? No, Bell, I—”

“I mean, you never intended to be with me in the long term. You were just leading me on, making it sound like you might want something more when you just needed an ‘escape’, right?”

She crosses her arms. “Ok, Bellamy, slow down. First of all, I _never_ tried to lead you on. You’re the one that invited me to stay with you. You’re the one who acted like everything was fine between us!”

Bellamy doesn’t even acknowledge that and keeps ranting. “I’m getting déjà vu, Clarke, because this is what you do. You think you can just get up and leave whenever you want, screw how everyone else feels, right? Do you even realize that?”

“Excuse me? I tried to apologize to you over and over again but you kept cutting me off every single time, so I gave up!”

That angers him even more, and his eyes narrow. “You gave up. Were you planning on ignoring it forever, then? Never talking to me about it? Hoping I’d forget about it?”

“ _No_ , Bellamy! Of course I would have apologized eventually—”

He interrupts her, angry but not quite yelling. Because he’d never raise his voice at her, no matter what she did.

“Eventually.”

He gets off the bed and towers above her. He starts pacing around the room, as if he’s desperately trying to keep his cool.

“When you say ‘eventually’, do you mean before or after you got me in bed? Before or after you went back to L.A.? Because you always knew you wouldn’t stay. You knew you’d go back, and when you do you’ll go right back to ignoring me. You’ll find some new Hollywood heartthrob that’ll make it all better and you’ll never come back to Arkadia again.”

“Bellamy, can we just talk this out? _Please_?”

“You _left me_ ! You broke up with me over text, Clarke, a text that said you were sick of this stupid town, and you couldn’t stand your mom, and you hated school, and you couldn’t be here, _couldn’t be with me anymore._ You said that you were leaving for California for good in half an hour because you wanted to forget about everyone and everything here, including me, and then you blocked my fucking number. 

“Bellamy, I—“

“No, Clarke! Listen to me! I got in my car at 5 in the morning and sped over to your mom’s house, only to find you loading your luggage into your car. When you saw me, you didn’t even say bye. You just got one last look at me and sped off. I stood outside on the street for an hour, trying to process what the hell had just happened!”

 _I know,_ Clarke thinks, _and I hate myself for it_.

Bellamy keeps going. “And now you’re gonna leave again? You’re going back to a place that stresses you out to be with people you hate when you could be here with _me_ . I actually care about you, Clarke! Karleigh and Krystal and all your fake L.A. friends don’t give a damn about you, but _I do_ ! I _always_ have!”

Something snaps inside Clarke. Something that she knows is wrong, something she knows she shouldn’t say, but it comes out anyway.

“ _Then why didn’t you reach out?_ ”

The words come tumbling out before Clarke can fully process exactly what she’s saying.

“Yeah, I blocked your number, but you still had my Facebook, and my Instagram, and you never even thought about messaging me on there. You _knew_ I was going through all kinds of shit, you _knew_ I had to get out of here, but you never once thought about checking on me! It goes both ways, you know!”

Bellamy looks absolutely shattered and Clarke immediately wishes she could take back her words.

“You’re _unbelievable_ , Clarke.”

She gathers enough courage to look right into Bellamy’s eyes.

“So you’re allowed to leave with no notice, spend almost three years ignoring me and everyone else you left behind here, but I’m supposed to chase you around? After you broke my heart? You said that you wanted to be left alone. You said that you needed space. You said that you wanted to forget about Arkadia, so I let you!”

Clarke feels tears run down her cheeks. “Bellamy, please just listen to me! Yeah, I did come here to forget about L.A. for a while!“

“No, Clarke. Leave.”

The tears on Bellamy’s cheeks match hers and it breaks her heart..

“Bell, please.”

“Get dressed, pack up your stuff, and _go!_ ”

So she does. 

  
  
  


~ ~ ~

  
  
  


Clarke knows she must look ridiculous right now. She’s speed-walking through the streets of downtown, dragging a hot pink suitcase behind her, tears running down her face. People are giving her strange looks, but she doesn’t care. She powers through, one destination on her mind.

She arrives at the local cemetery and makes her way to the back left corner where Jake Griffin was laid to rest.

She sits down on the bench across from the tombstone and allows herself to fully break down. She sobs and sobs and curses herself, curses Bellamy, curses everything and everyone. 

Bellamy was right. When she left, she made it clear to everyone back home that she needed distance, and lots of it. She told him, point blank, that she wanted to start over and forget about everything that happened in Arkadia. She had forcefully cut him out of her life, made him feel unwanted in the worst way, and she had just yelled at him for not being the first to reach out.

She had thought about him — on his birthday, after her breakups, on the anniversary of their breakup — and had hovered her finger over the “Unblock” button next to his number more than once. She had wanted to text him, to call him and hear his voice and his laugh, but she had been too ashamed to even try.

And now, she was going to leave him again.

She should have given him a good apology, no matter how much he tried to stop her. He deserved that much.

More and more tears fall down her cheeks.

“Dad,” she suddenly gasps, staring at the tombstone while the tears blur her vision, “How did I fuck up this bad?”

She’s not just talking about the fight with Bellamy. She’s talking about everything - her decision to leave New Jersey, the way she dumped Bellamy years ago and how she’s ignored her friends, the state of her relationship with her mom, and how she’s been pretending that L.A. makes her happy, even though it doesn’t anymore.

She imagines Jake’s arms around her, warm and comforting. While her mom was the one she used to go to when she needed honest and blunt life advice, her dad was the one who she’d spill her deepest secrets to while he stroked her back and told her that everything would be ok.

She chokes back another sob. “I miss you so much, dad. I wish you were here. You’d know exactly what to do.”

She stares at the tombstone for a long time and tries to even out her breathing. More and more clouds start to block out the sunlight and the temperature drops, reminding Clarke that she’ll once again have to find a place to stay. 

She could always go back to Bergmann’s Lodge, but the longer she looks at her dad’s name carved into the granite stone, the more she feels something pulling her to call someone else.

She takes up her phone, scrolls through her contacts, and stops on the one labelled “Mom”. 

She pauses. The last time she saw her mom, they had gotten into a huge argument and had both said some things that they shouldn’t have. After Clarke had suggested dropping out of college, Abby had freaked out and said that she was making a huge mistake, and that she should be ashamed of herself for how she’d been acting since her father’s death. Clarke had retaliated, letting everything out. How her mother wasn’t truly there for her after Jake had died, how she was too controlling, how she didn’t really understand Clarke the way a mother should. It was messy, it was horrible, and Clarke was convinced that things would never be the same between them.

_If I call her, will she turn me away? Scream in my face to leave? Send me back to California?_

Clarke has to reassure herself. _No._ Abby may be the world’s most distant mother, but unless she’s out of town for some reason, she wouldn’t turn her away.

She takes a deep breath, and presses the call button.

The phone rings twice before Abby picks up, sounding surprised. “ _Clarke?_ ”

“Hey, mom. Are you home?”

“ _I’m getting groceries, I’ll be home in half an hour. Why? Is everything ok?_ ”

Her mom sounds concerned, which makes sense since Clarke doesn’t just call her out of the blue to chat. 

“I’m fine. I’m in town, and I was… I was wondering if I could spend a few nights at your place.”

The line goes silent for a long moment before Abby speaks again. “ _Of course you can, sweetheart. I’ll be home soon, but you can let yourself in before that if you still have the house key._ ”

Clarke exhales, feeling a bit better about the situation. “Yeah, I have a key. Thanks. I’ll see you soon, kay?”

She hangs up before her mom can respond.

~ ~ ~

When Clarke unlocks the door, she’s greeted by a rush of warm air and the huge photograph of her 16 year old self and her parents that’s hanging on the wall near the grand staircase. All three of them are dressed to the nines, big smiles on their faces, looking like the perfect family they used to be. 

She walks through the first floor and all the memories come rushing back. Family meals in the kitchen with her parents. Watching soccer games in the living room with her dad. Sleepovers with Harper where they stayed up all night talking. Sneaking out to the woods behind her neighborhood to get drunk with Wells. That time her mom kicked Jasper out of her yard at a bonfire night because he was high as a kite and offered her some weed. 

As much as she used to hate Arkadia and begged her parents to move them to some fancy city far away on numerous occasions, she has to admit that her childhood was pretty great.

Not even five minutes later, she hears her mother’s car pull into the garage, and suddenly she’s face to face with her for the first time in years.

Just like Bellamy, Abby looks different. Her hair is longer, more golden than brown, and the perfume Clarke smells wafting off of her is no longer her dad’s favorite.

She awkwardly smiles at Clarke and puts down the grocery bags, walking over to give Clarke a hug. It’s a little stiff, and Clarke tentatively hugs her back.

When they pull apart, they silently stare at each other, waiting to see who will speak first. 

Eventually, Abby cracks.

“You cut your hair.”

Clarke nods slowly. More silence.

“It was longer in your movie.”

Clarke gapes at her mother. “You watched it?”

Abby smiles, just a little. “I did. It was…interesting. You’re a very talented actress.”

That’s surprising to hear. Her mother never supported her more artistic tendencies and was set on Clarke doing something more “practical”, like studying medicine.

Clarke supposes she should thank her, but the words don’t come out, so Abby speaks again.

“What made you come back?”

Clarke shrugs. “I don’t know, I just…wanted to see what was going on, I guess. And I didn’t want to be in L.A. anymore. I don’t know.”

Abby looks like she wants to say more about that, but she just nods. “I’ll get started on dinner. You can stay in your old room, why don’t you start unpacking?”

Clarke nods, grabs her suitcase, and makes her way upstairs.

Being in her old room is a lot. Just like the rest of the house, it’s big and grandiose. She used to love the bright accents of pink that are all over the room, but now she finds them overwhelming. The photo of her and Harper dressed in their high school field hockey uniforms is still sitting on her desk, next to the lava lamp Wells got her for her 9th birthday.

She walks over to the bedside table. She’s always had two photos displayed there - one of her as a baby laughing as her mother kissed her cheek, and one of her 5-year-old self dancing with her father at her uncle’s wedding - and looking at them makes her smile. 

Her old sparkly silver jewelry box catches her eye, and she’s drawn to the glossy corner of something sticking out from under it. When she pulls it out, she realizes that it’s a polaroid of her and Bellamy at the beach, arms around each other, looking happier than ever. 

Clarke remembers that day as if it were yesterday. It was one of the last days of summer before she went back for her sophomore year of college, and she and the Blake siblings had hopped into Bellamy’s car and taken a day trip to the boardwalk, where they’d stuffed themselves with greasy food and laughed at all the Jersey Shore wannabes. Octavia had taken the picture right before they left.

Even though the memory brings a smile to her face, tears still burn her eyes and track down her cheeks. She puts the photo back onto her table face down, and sits on the edge of her bed, staring at the wall until Abby calls her down for dinner.

The food is delicious, but everything else is awkward. The two eat in dead silence, occasionally making eye contact before one of them quickly looks away. 

Clarke spends the following day alternating between her bed, the couches downstairs, and the kitchen. She gets through a whole season of Gilmore Girls, naps more than she has in years, and rummages through her mom’s (thankfully full) fridge.

Abby comes home from the hospital earlier than expected, and she peers into Clarke’s room.

“I was planning on stopping by your dad’s grave today. Do you want to come?”

Clarke pauses the YouTube video she was watching and nods. One of the worst things about L.A. was feeling so far away from her father. She had to admit that, even when she was breaking down, talking to her dad a few days ago had been pretty relaxing, actually. 

A while later, she and Abby are sitting on the bench, both silent, both staring straight ahead. It’s sunnier than the last time she was there, but there’s a cold wind that sends chills through Clarke, and she hunches over a little more, burying her gloved hands in the pockets of her coat. 

Clarke thinks she should say something, anything, about her father. He had died in a terrible car crash during the fall semester of her sophomore year of college, right before her birthday, not even a year before she decided to pack up and leave. After his death, she had gone right back to school while her mom went back to work, both doing anything they could to distract themselves. 

She had thought that her mom would be the one person that would fully understand the grief that came with losing Jake Griffin and would be able to help her, but Abby was set on avoiding the topic. Instead, she became the world’s busiest doctor, picking up shifts left and right and regularly working overtime, leaving very little time for Clarke. While Clarke had always been closer with her dad and had always butted heads over dumb things with her mom, they had still had a pretty good relationship - but once her dad was gone, their conversations had turned rare, and almost every one had ended in an ugly argument. Their last argument, the one about Clarke dropping out of college, had been the straw that broke the camel’s back, and Clarke had left the next morning.

So Clarke had grieved alone, losing motivation, sleep, and her relationships with almost everyone in her life. When she got to L.A., acting became the ultimate escape. When she was filming, she wasn’t Clarke Griffin anymore - she was the product of someone else’s imagination, a different woman with a different name and different problems. She had started seeing a therapist, met new people who knew nothing about her past, and also depended on time to heal the wound of her father.

Right now, she’s in a place where she still misses her dad and would do anything to see him again, but looking at his gravestone and remembering him no longer brings tears to her eyes.

She’s brought out of her thoughts by the sound of her mother’s voice.

“I wanted to apologize to you, Clarke.”

Clarke looks up, turning her head to look at her mom. Abby’s eyes are still glued to the gravestone ahead.

“You were right. I wasn’t there for you after Jake died, when I should have been. You weren’t ok, and you tried to tell me, but I shut you down because I wanted to pretend that everything was normal when it wasn’t. I let my own grief get in the way of being there for you when you needed me, and I’m truly sorry for that.”

Clarke bites her lip and takes a deep breath.

Abby continues. “I’m also sorry for how I acted when you told me you were dropping out. I may not personally agree with every choice you make, but you’re an adult and you’re more than capable of deciding what you want to do with your life. All I want is to see you happy, and if acting brings you joy then I can’t not support it.”

Abby grabs Clarke’s hands and Clarke looks into her eyes, finding tears there.

“I know I made a lot of mistakes, Clarke, and I understand if you don’t want to forgive me. But…I’ve missed you these past few years. I’m _so_ happy you came back, and I know it’s been awkward between us, but I love you, and I hope that we can move forward from the past.”

Clarke nods. “I’m sorry too, you know. For leaving like that. It wasn’t the best way to deal with everything.”

Abby shakes her head. “Don’t apologize for that. If anything, that’s on me as well.”

Clarke smiles, glad her mother is finally owning up to her mistakes and making some sort of effort to fix their relationship. She’s not naive and knows that things won’t go back to normal right away, but it’s a start.

“Thanks, Mom. Really. I… still sort of hate you for not being there for me after what happened to dad. A lot less than I used to, but it hasn’t completely gone away. Your apology means a lot to me though, and I want to move forward too.”

Abby grins, and throws her arm around Clarke, pulling her close. Clarke rests her head on her mom’s shoulder, and closes her eyes. 

Dinner that night is still a little awkward, but the two order Thai takeout and manage to have a pleasant enough conversation. 

They’re cleaning up afterwards when Abby remembers something.

“I almost forgot to tell you. I ran into Thelonious earlier today and mentioned that you were here, and he told me that Wells is coming back from London tonight. You two should get together and catch up!”

That gets Clarke’s attention. She doubts that Wells has any sort of grudge against her - they started growing apart even before Clarke left, since he had done his undergrad in Illinois and spent all his summers interning or studying abroad. Before that, though, they had been inseparable. It wouldn’t hurt to reach out to him, to have someone to hang out with besides her mom.

Luckily, she still has his number, and she decides that she’ll call him tomorrow.

~ ~ ~

_“Hold on. Am I dreaming, or is Clarke Griffin actually calling me?”_

Clarke smiles to herself when she hears his voice. Thankfully, his tone is lighthearted. “Hi Wells. I know it’s been a while.”

She hears Wells laugh. _“All good, all good. I saw your movie, by the way. I didn’t really get it, but you were good.”_

Clarke supposes that she should stop being surprised that the people she left behind in Arkadia kept up with her acting career, but it still catches her off guard. “Thanks. Listen, I heard you were back in Arkadia. I’m here too.”

_“You’re back? Are you at your mom’s?”_

“Yeah.”

_“Say no more. I’ll pick you up in 10, ok? I’m starving, we can get some pizza.”_

Clarke’s smile grows into a full-on grin. “Can’t wait.”

Half an hour later, they’re at Gio’s Pizzeria, sharing an extra large Neapolitan pizza.

“So,” Wells says, taking a bite out of a slice, “You finally decided to come back and visit, huh?”

Clarke takes a sip of her soda. “I needed to get away from L.A. for a while.”

Wells nods. “Figures. I saw that crazy drama with you and Lexa. I’d hate it if all the details of my love life got put on blast like that.”

“Yeah, between that, all the Hollywood politics, and how fake all my friends there are, I just couldn’t do it anymore.” She sighs. “It’s not all bad though. California is gorgeous and I love acting, and I have to admit that living in L.A. is pretty exciting, so I’ll definitely go back… but I need a little break for a while.”

“Sounds to me like the city isn’t the problem. You just haven’t found your people, y’know?”

Clarke frowns, thinking about what he said. Wells is right. Back when she thought her friends were genuine, when she was in her honeymoon phase with Finn and then Lexa, whenever she was talking with Roan at The Exodus, she thought of L.A. as a blessing. She had met some pretty cool people at auditions and while shooting her movie, but once that was done, they had moved on to their next projects and never reached out to her again.

She had always found Arkadia boring, had always said that the town’s only saving grace was that it was fairly close to the ocean and New York City. But she had had people here. People she had always had, like her parents and Wells. Friends she met in high school (Harper and Jasper) and friends she met at college (Monty, Murphy, Raven). Bellamy.

And she had pushed them all away.

Wells’s voice draws her out of her thoughts. “It’s good that you came back, though. I missed you.”

“I missed you too. Sorry that I got so distant.”

“I told you Clarke, it’s all good.” Wells points at an untouched slice of pizza on Clarke’s side of the plate, a questioning look on his face. Clarke nods, and he eagerly takes the slice. “My girlfriend’s from L.A., you know. When I fly out there to meet her family, I’ll definitely visit you. You’ll have me, at least.”

That sounds great, actually. Wells is, and always has been, one of her favorite people. But she knows it’ll be temporary, and she’ll be miserable again the moment he leaves.

Wells finishes the slice of pizza and reaches for a napkin. “Anyway, I’m glad you’re staying with your mom. She really missed you. And I know Bellamy was really mad at first but I’ve ran into him a few times. He’s missed you too, you know, even if he didn’t show it. Have you tried talking to him?”

Clarke bites her lip, and she’s sure Wells can see how uncomfortable she suddenly is. She _really_ doesn’t want to get into the details — not yet, anyway. “Yeah. It… it didn’t go well. Let’s leave it at that.”

If Wells suspects that there’s more to her story, he doesn’t let it show. Thankfully, he changes the subject and soon they’re swapping stories and laughing again, just like old times.

~ ~ ~

The following days pass by smoothly. 

When her mother gets home from the hospital, she makes sure to spend her evenings with Clarke, and even though they’re still not completely comfortable with each other, things are definitely improving. She finally meets her mother’s new boyfriend, Marcus Kane, who comes over for dinner and turns out to be a perfectly decent guy.

She and Wells take the train to Manhattan for a day and spend hours walking through a snowy Central Park, forcing strangers to take goofy photos of them. He tells her more about London, his girlfriend, his fancy job, and everything in between, and she gives him the inside scoop on acting, Hollywood, and all of the drama he’s heard about..

She reaches out to Harper, who is her oldest friend after Wells and who doesn’t seem to care that they haven’t talked in two and a half years as she excitedly takes her to a crowded mall to go holiday shopping. After hours of navigating through a sea of stressed old ladies and crying toddlers, Harper invites her over for dinner at her and Monty’s apartment that night.

Monty actually apologizes to her first for not reaching out while she was in L.A., which makes her guiltily think of her argument with Bellamy again, and she offers him an apology of her own in return. He makes her FaceTime Jasper, who drives over to Monty and Harper’s in record time. The three of them spend hours talking, and when Jasper drops her back off ( _“Should I ask your mom if she wants any weed again?”_ ) it’s almost one in the morning

Wells suggests that she gets her old friend group back together for a night out. Harper, Monty, and Jasper are easy to convince and happily agree. Clarke texts Raven and Murphy, and Raven responds dryly with a single “Ok” which is expected. She’s known to hold grudges, and Clarke figures she’ll have to do some extra work to get Raven to offer her forgiveness. Murphy doesn’t even respond, which is also expected — he’s notorious for responding to texts days later, and probably hasn’t even seen her message, so she’ll just have to wait and see if he shows up.

So it’s set — December 23rd, at Diyoza’s Bar & Grill, the gang is finally getting back together.

~ ~ ~ 

The night before Christmas Eve, Clarke puts on a little bit of makeup, grabs her favorite knee-high boots, and hops into Wells’ car. 

“You nervous?” he asks as he reverses out of the Griffin's driveway.

Clarke shrugs out of her coat. “A little. Mostly for Raven. She seemed kinda mad at me when I texted her.”

“You know how she is. Just give her a genuine apology and she’ll come around.”

Clarke knows he’s right. She and Raven went through some rough patches and had some heated arguments back in college, but they always gave each other some space for a few days and forgave each other. This time the circumstances were a little different, but Clarke hopes that Raven will understand why she did what she did.

They pull into Diyoza’s parking lot and walk into the bar. It’s warm, some classic rock song that Clarke doesn’t recognize is playing, and she sees Monty, Harper, and Jasper waving at her and Wells from a large table in the corner.

“Hey Clarke! Wells! Over here!”

She grins and makes her way over to the table.

A few minutes later, Murphy walks in with a pretty girl Clarke’s never seen before. 

“Clarke Griffin, back from the dead.” 

His tone is sarcastic, but his smile is genuine. He introduces them to his girlfriend, Emori, who Clarke likes right away.

“Wow Murphy, she calls you John? When’s the wedding?”

Emori laughs while Murphy rolls his eyes and gently smacks her arm. “Shut up, Griffin.”

They’ve just ordered a bunch of appetizers when Raven Reyes walks in. She warmly greets everyone, but when her eyes meet Clarke’s, she settles for a stiff nod.

A waitress comes over to their table and lays out their drinks and plates of chicken wings, onion rings, mozzarella sticks, and nachos. Everyone digs in and starts talking among each other, but Clarke is silent as she sips her marg, clearly lost in thought. Harper is the only one who notices how detached she is.

“Clarke, are you feeling ok? You’ve barely touched your food.”

“I’m fine. I ate a big dinner at my mom’s house so I’m just full.”

That’s partially true — her mom had made spaghetti and meatballs topped with her famous homemade marinara that night, and there was no way Clarke could say no to that. But there’s something else on her mind.

She clears her throat, and everyone at the table turns to stare at her. 

This is it. She takes a deep breath, and starts.

“Hey guys, I’m glad you were all able to make it out tonight.” _What the fuck?_ She sounds like the emcee of some D-list awards show.

She can feel herself blushing and looks over at Wells, who gives her an encouraging nod.

“I know it’s been a while, and I know the way I left was…unconventional…”

“That’s one way to put it,” mutters Murphy

“…but it wasn’t personal, and I didn’t mean to hurt any of you.”

She starts explaining in detail her mental state after her father died, how she struggled with her grief, how she and her mom couldn’t stop fighting, how she realized she didn’t want to study medicine anymore. The words come out easily, and as she looks around the table, she can see that her friends are listening intently.

“So… I hope you can at least understand why I felt like I needed to leave.”

She looks right into Raven’s eyes.

“If I could go back and do it differently, I would. I can’t do that, though, but I can tell you that I’m sorry. Truly.”

She feels Harper grab her hand under the table and squeeze it.

“Even though L.A. has had it’s ups and downs, it did help me heal, especially in the beginning, and mentally I’m in a better place now. Hanging out with most of you these past few days has been great and made me realize just how much I missed you all, and, well… I hope we can be in each other’s lives again.”

“I don’t know about the rest of you, but I’m just glad you’re back!” says Jasper, and the rest of her friends voice their agreement.

“I’m glad you decided to tell us all that, Clarke,” says Harper.

“Yeah,” starts Murphy, “I don’t really blame you. To be honest, I probably would have done the same thing.”

Clarke nervously looks at Raven, who stays silent but offers her a small smile. It looks genuine enough and makes Clarke smile in return.

“So Clarke, what’s it like being a movie star?” asks Jasper. “I want to hear the truth about all the Hollywood drama.”

Clarke giggles and helps herself to some nachos. “Where do you want me to start?”

An hour later, Clarke’s stomach is full again and she’s a little tipsy. They’ve been talking about everything they can think of, laughing at each other’s stories until—

“Hey, is that Bellamy?”

Clarke whips her head away from the conversation she’s having with Murphy and Emori and follows Raven’s gaze.

She spots the head of black curls, and it’s like the world stops. The music starts to sound distorted and she can only focus on him.

He’s with Miller, clearly waiting to be seated. They’re laughing at some joke that Miller just made. Then, a waitress gestures at them and they start walking her way.

The second Bellamy spots Clarke, his smile is replaced with a stone cold expression. He says something to Miller, who turns his head to look at her table and frowns.

Her entire table is silent now as the waitress leads the pair past them. Bellamy’s eyes are glued straight ahead, while Miller gives them a small wave.

Clarke suddenly feels lightheaded and she knows she needs to get out of there, _right now_. Her friends are all staring at her with concerned expressions while she feels like she can’t get enough air.

“Wells,” she chokes out. “I need to go home.”

“Are you sure?”

“ _Please._ ”

He puts on his coat and starts saying bye to the group, but Clarke can’t wait. She mutters a quick apology to the table and races towards the door. She feels tears on her cheeks and can hear Wells scurrying to keep up behind her.

Wells catches up to her as she opens the door and steps into the cold night. He links arms with her and they start making their way over to his car, and Clarke spots Bellamy’s black Honda parked near a tree.

“Clarke, wait!”

She turns around and sees Raven running after them.

“I know that now’s probably not the best time, but before you go… I’m sorry for giving you the cold shoulder earlier. I was so pissed at you when you left, y’know, because you were one of my best friends you just got up and left without telling me why, and I’m still kinda annoyed. But your apology meant a lot to me and I… I’m glad you’re feeling better now.”

Despite the tears still streaming down her face, she grabs Raven into a hug and holds on to her tightly.

“Thanks, Raven,” she whispers into her friend’s shoulder.

She and Wells get into his car, and after letting it heat up, he turns to her.

“So… what really happened with you and Bellamy?”

She tells him about how she stayed at his place, how they got into the argument, how he kicked her out. Wells listens to everything she says without asking any questions, and she’s full on sobbing by the time she’s done.

He starts driving, lets her get all her tears out as “Feliz Navidad” plays on the radio. Once she’s visibly calmed down, he finally speaks again.

“You need to talk to him.”

“Yeah, Wells, I’m sure he’s dying to hear what I have to say,” she says sarcastically. 

“I’m just saying, I got a look at his face when he was watching you pack up and leave. He kinda looked like he wanted to say something to you.”

She snorts. Bellamy might have been nice when he ran into her at that café but she has no doubt that he would have chewed her out in front of the entire bar tonight. 

“If he really wants to talk to me, he can reach out.”

“And that right there is your problem.”

Clarke whips her head around to glare at him. “What’s my problem.”

Wells stops at a red light and meets her eyes. “Damn it Clarke, I love you but you can’t keep doing that! You can’t keep waiting for everyone else to say something first. I know you. I know how you feel about Bellamy and I know you want to make things right. You messed up last time, and you messed up this time, and you’re the one who has to make things right.”

She shuts her eyes and pushes her head back against the headrest, a few more tears leaking out of her eyes. He’s right, dammit, he’s right.

“I can’t. There’s no point. He’ll never forgive me and I— I can’t face him again.” She starts crying, and feels Wells place his hand on her arm.

Wells pulls over to the side of the road and puts the car in park.“Clarke, look at me. You told me your mom gave you a sincere apology, right? And that it’s still not perfect between the two of you, but it’s getting better.”

Clarke sniffles and nods.

“And tonight— you apologized to everyone and it made you feel better, didn’t it? And after that, Raven started warming up to you.”

He does have a point, but her history with Bellamy was different than her history with all her friends. Sure, she had hurt them when she left and cut ties with them, but what she did to Bellamy was a lot worse.

“A sincere apology goes a long way. He might not accept it right away, he might not want to be your friend, but trust me: he’ll appreciate it, and he’ll remember it.”

She feels Wells squeeze her arm, and he gives her a gentle smile. “You don’t have to do it tomorrow, but can you promise me that you’ll at least try before you go back to California ?”

She has to. It’s going to be hard, but she owes it to him.

“Ok,” she whispers, “I promise.”

Wells smiles and gives her arm one last squeeze before he starts driving again. They’re both silent until he pulls up at her house. 

“Hey, Wells?”

“Hmmm?”

“Thank you.”

He gives her a soft smile. “Merry Christmas, Clarke.”

She hugs him over the center console. “Merry Christmas.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!
> 
> I'm gonna be honest with you, this fic was... not properly outlined lmao. So I'm not quite sure how I feel about this chapter (especially the beginning). But hey, sometimes you just gotta go for it.
> 
> As always, let me know if you liked it, if you hated it, or if you have any other thoughts!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we go, final chapter!

The next morning, Clarke asks her mother if they can go visit Jake’s grave again.

The cemetery is fuller that day - it’s Christmas Eve, and she assumes that lots of families wanted to take the opportunity to wish their loved ones well while they’re all together for the holidays.

“How long did it take you to get over him?” Clarke asks after they’ve said a short prayer and laid down some roses.

Abby sighs, eyes fixed on the gravestone for a long moment before she finally responds. “I’m not over him at all. I’m not sure if I ever will be.”

“But you’ve moved on,” Clarke presses.

“Yes, I have, and I love Marcus. But your father will always be a part of me, Clarke, and I’ll always love him too.” She eyes her daughter, something in her eyes that Clarke can’t quite place. “You can move on and build a new life without forgetting what you had in the past, you know.”

That’s the exact opposite of what Clarke had done. She’d escaped from everything she hated in Arkadia… but she’d also escaped from everything she loved, which ended up hurting both her and the ones she’d left behind.

She knows now that she didn’t have to do that.

“I have to tell you something. You weren’t the first person I stayed with when I got to Arkadia,” she tells her mother.

She finds herself once again retelling the story of what happened with her and Bellamy. “…so Wells made me promise to apologize to him before I leave for L.A. again. And I will, because I never really got over him, you know? And I have a chance at making things right with him.”

Abby is silent for a moment, absorbing everything her daughter just told her.

“Well, I can see where both of you were coming from, Clarke. I don’t doubt that you may have felt abandoned by him - and by all of us - as well, but at the end of the day, you are the one who made the terms of you leaving and he simply wanted to respect that.”

A gust of wind whistles through the air, chilling Clarke to her core. Her mother continues talking to her, telling her pretty much the same things that Wells said - that she should go talk to him before she leaves, and that giving Bellamy an apology he doesn’t want to hear is still better than no apology at all.

Clarke makes up her mind, then: she doesn’t want to ruin his Christmas by telling him tomorrow, but the day after, she’ll go over to his place and finally give him the apology she should have given him a long time ago.

She just hopes that he’ll be willing to hear her out.

  
  
  


~ ~ ~

  
  
  


It’s strange not spending Christmas alone, Clarke thinks as she sits by the fireplace the next day, wearing a fuzzy bathrobe and holding a steaming cup of coffee in her hand. 

Abby and Marcus are snuggled up on the couch, while she’s claimed the recliner (it’s always been her favorite). Even with the absence of her father and the addition of Marcus, it’s pleasant, and she’s missed the feeling of family.

Her phone buzzes, and she draws her attention away from the movie they’re watching, picking it up from the coffee table. The words “Wells Jaha” flash across the screen.

She excuses herself to the dining room and picks up the call.

 _“MERRY CHRISTMAS, CLARKE!”_ Wells shouts the second she picks up.

She feels a smile playing on her lips. “Right back atcha.”

_“What are you up to?”_

“I’ve been watching movies with Mom and Marcus all day. How about you?”

 _“At my Grandma’s,”_ he says, and she hears the sound of little kids screaming in the background. _“Sorry about that, my cousins are going crazy in here. Anyway, I wanted to ask you: do you have any plans for New Year’s Eve?”_

She didn’t, not really. One of Abby’s coworkers was throwing a party at their house, and she made it clear that Clarke was more than welcome to tag along with her and Marcus, but if that was her only option, she’d rather ring in the New Year alone at home. “No,” she answers.

_“Perfect! I wanted to go hit all the cool spots around town and was wondering if you wanted to come? We could invite the rest of the gang too, see if they’re free.”_

“Sounds good.”

_“Great. One more thing - have you figured out when you’re going to talk to Bellamy yet?”_

She gulps. She hasn’t thought about that since the previous day - she’s pushed it to the back of her head and tried to keep her mind off it, focusing solely on spending a memorable Christmas with her family. She’s managed to do a good job of staying distracted, between the huge breakfast Marcus had cooked, opening presents, and her favorite holiday movies. 

She knew, though, that she’d have to give it some thought eventually, and now that Wells had reminded her, she knew it wouldn’t leave her mind.

_“Clarke? You still there?”_

“Yeah,” she says, taking a deep breath. “I decided that I’ll go tomorrow. He’s probably at his mom’s today and I didn’t want to bother them on Christmas, you know?”

_“Do you know what you’re going to say?”_

She… thinks so? She hasn’t like, rehearsed it word for word or anything like that. But she has a pretty solid game plan: go in there, say sorry for what happened when she left Arkadia the first time, apologize for making him feel like she was leading him on when she had no real intention of staying, try to explain why she did what she did, and let him know that she understands how hurt he was and that she knows he doesn’t have to forgive her. “Pretty much.”

“Good. Just go out there and be _Clarke_. Make sure he knows that you care about him, give him space and time if he needs it. You got this.”

“Thanks, Wells,” she says, appreciating her best friend’s encouraging words.

They chat a little more until Wells lets her know that one of his uncles just brought out the spiked cider. They say their goodbyes and then Clarke is left at the table, alone with her thoughts. 

It can’t be that hard, she reasons after going through all the possible scenarios in her head. All she has to do is be honest with Bellamy about her feelings and offer him a sincere apology. 

A few minutes later, her mom calls out to her, and she returns to her spot on the recliner. What’s meant to happen tomorrow will happen; today, she just wants to enjoy the rest of her Christmas.

  
  
  


~ ~ ~

  
  
  


When Clarke borrows her mom’s car and drives over to Bellamy’s the next afternoon, all the previous day’s confidence is gone.

She doesn’t even know if he’s home, but figures that he might be suffering from that Christmas hangover everyone gets the next day and is probably spending his day at home. He should be awake by this time, so she might as well try.

She parks in one of the guest spaces and walks up the stairs and over to his door, knocking on it three times. Clarke feels more than a little queasy and feels her palms sweating, but she forces her to stay even though she wants to run down the stairs and hide in the car.

After a long moment, she hears the door unlocking and there he is, still in his pajamas and looking slightly dazed.

When he realizes it’s her standing there, Bellamy’s expression darkens. “What do you want?” he asks, not even trying to mask his annoyance.

Clarke takes a deep breath, and decides to go for it. For real this time. Even if he tries to stop her, which, at this point, she doubts he will.

“I’m sorry, Bellamy. I’m sorry for all of it.”

His expression remains unchanged at that, so she keeps going.

“When I left Arkadia two and a half years ago, I was in the worst place mentally that I’d ever been in. It felt like everything was falling apart - my dad had just died, my mom and I couldn’t talk without arguing, I realized just how much I hated my degree, and all I wanted to do was run away from all of it. I know you noticed, and I know you tried to help, and I know I kept pushing you away, which wasn’t fair to you.”

She feels the familiar burn of tears in her eyes, but she doesn’t care, and keeps going.

“I shouldn’t have left like that. I shouldn’t have broken up with you just like that and completely cut you off. I should have fully opened up to you, because I know you would have helped me and kept me from making that decision. I still think my emotions were valid, but what I did- God, Bellamy, it was wrong. I tried to tell myself it was ok because I was hurting, and I was, but I didn’t even think about how much I was hurting you.”

Her voice started to tremble towards the end of that, so she takes another deep breath to compose herself.

“I was mad that nobody reached out to me. But - just like you said - I’m the one who made it pretty clear that I wanted to be left alone. So… I can’t really be mad at you for that.”

She dares herself to stop and take a moment to look at him. He definitely doesn’t look as pissed as before, and there’s something else in his eyes. Something softer. 

Whatever it is, it gives her a tiny shimmer of hope, and she continues. “When I came back here… I wasn’t looking for a hookup. Truthfully, I wasn’t even planning to speak to anyone, besides maybe the barista at that café. I was shocked when I saw you, and even more shocked when you offered me a place to stay.”

“I should have apologized, no matter how many times you tried to shut me down. And after… after we kissed, I should have told you that I wasn’t intending to stay instead of letting it lead to—”

She cuts off abruptly and has to take a few more breaths to steady herself.

“Everything I told you was true, though. I still cared about you even after I moved away. I thought about you when I was lonely, I thought about you after my breakups, I thought about you on holidays and birthdays and the anniversaries of me leaving, I thought about you because I don’t just care about you, Bellamy. I thought about you because I… I’m still in love with you. I was still in love with you when I left, I was still in love with you while I was with Finn and Lexa, even though I tried to push that feeling down, but I was. I love you, and that’s why this is so hard.”

His expression is completely unreadable at this point.

“And I completely understand if you don’t want to forgive me, not now, maybe not ever. If you don’t want anything to do with me anymore, I promise I’ll respect that. I’m going back to L.A. because I have to, but I wanted to explain myself. I know I hurt you, and I’m so sorry, Bellamy. Truly.”

The tears are freely streaming down her face now. Bellamy stays silent, eyes boring into her as she forces herself to hold his gaze. When he doesn’t say anything for a long moment that feels like an hour, she shakes her head and starts to turn around.

Suddenly, Bellamy clears his throat and speaks. “There’s something I have to tell you too.”

She turns around to look at him again. He looks really nervous, but she nods at him to try to reassure him.

“I got into UCLA.”

All the air leaves her lungs and her stomach does a front flip. She’s proud of him, of course she is, and he’s the most deserving person she knows. But the idea of having Bellamy there, the idea of possibly having an actual friend over there, sounds too good to be true.

That is, assuming he wants to be friends, of course.

“Bellamy, that’s amazing,” she says, hoping she sounds proud but not too excited. She doesn’t want to get her hopes up and make him uncomfortable with the possibility of something that she’s not sure he even wants.

“Thank you,” he replies. 

She wants to jump into his arms and hug him tightly, but she knows she can’t. Instead, she stands stiffly with her arms by her sides while he bites his lip and crosses and uncrosses his arms. She can tell that he wants to say more, probably about them both living in L.A., or give her an acceptance or rejection of her apology, and Clarke knows that he’ll either (rightfully) crush her dreams or make her day.

He decides to make her day. “Clarke, I’m glad you apologized. Trust me, it means a lot to me. But you hurt me, multiple times, and it’s going to take a while to get over that.”

Clarke nods her head and sheepishly looks at the ground. Fair.

“But,” he says, making her look back up suddenly, “I think we can still try to be friends over there.”

“Are you sure?”

“I am. Just friends, nothing more - not for now, anyway. I still care about you too, trust me, but it’s a lot to process right now and I need some time, ok? But, I’ll need someone to show me all the cool spots over there. We’ll just… see where it takes us, I guess.”

Clarke tries to hide just how happy she feels, but she knows she’s probably failing. It’s hard to keep herself from breaking out into a full-on smile and literally jumping for joy. “That sounds great. You’re gonna love it over there, Bell. I can’t wait to show you everything.”

He chuckles, clearly amused at her excitement, and then that awkward silence creeps back in. Neither of them say anything for a moment, and then Bellamy tells her that he needs to go make an important call and starts saying his goodbyes.

Clarke stops him. “There’s one more thing.”

He peers at her with raised eyebrows.

She clears her throat. “Wells and I… we were gonna go out for New Year’s Eve. We’re thinking of inviting some of our other friends to see if they wanna go too, and I was wondering if you wanted to come.”

He’s silent at that, his expression unreadable.

“I know you might not want to, but there’s gonna be a ton of people there anyway and Wells wouldn’t mind at all. You can even bring Miller if you—”

She stops abruptly. To her surprise, a huge grin is spreading across his face. “I’d love to.”

This time, she can’t stop herself. She smiles right back and gives him a quick hug. It’s a little awkward on both sides and doesn’t last very long, but she definitely feels him squeeze her back.

They say goodbye for real this time and Clarke promises to send him the details about New Year’s in the next couple of days. When she makes her way down the staircase and to her car, she’s truly happy.

  
  
  


~ ~ ~

  
  
  


She doesn’t kiss him on New Years Eve - she doesn’t kiss anyone at all. But, when the clock strikes midnight and the sky erupts in a sparkling display of colors, Bellamy glances over at her and raises his champagne glass. “Happy New Year, Clarke. This year is gonna be great. For both of us.”

She clinks her glass against his. “I think so, too.”

  
  
  


~ ~ ~

  
  
  


_1 year later_

A few days after New Years, Clarke got out of her mother’s car at the airport, hugged her goodbye, and promised to stay in touch.

She never responded in the group chat she had with Krystal and Karleigh once she was back in L.A., and she’s sure they didn’t even care. Once she finally left the chat to save her own sanity, she never heard from them again. _Good riddance_ , she thought to herself one morning as she FaceTimed Raven over breakfast.

She spent February painting. She continued to paint her father and take commissions, but she also found herself painting her mother, Wells, Bellamy, and the rest of her friends from Arkadia as well. 

She even painted Roan, and gave him the canvas at Happy Hour one day.

Bellamy moved to L.A. in March (Clarke had been counting down the days since she got back). His new apartment was a bikeable distance from UCLA and Clarke swung by to help him unpack. It was dark outside and their stomachs were rumbling by the time they finished, so they ordered a pizza and flipped through the channels on his TV until they found some cheesy soap opera to make fun of.

Things changed after that. They stayed true to their promise to be nothing more than friends, but she was honestly completely fine with that. Bellamy helped her practice for auditions, and Clarke helped him find and apply for tutoring jobs. Clarke took him all over L.A., showing him all the best sports for food, entertainment, hiking and swimming, and anything else he wanted to do. She took him to The Exodus, where he and Roan hit it off right away, just like she always knew they would. 

More times than not, they ended up lounging at each other’s apartments, cooking dinner for each other and watching movies and laughing until one of them realized that it was way too late and they needed to get some sleep.

Abby and Marcus had visited her in April, and Aurora and Octavia came to see Bellamy in June. Monty and Harper came too, for a week in July.

Octavia came back in August to move into her dorm and start college. Bellamy tried to hide it, but Clarke was positive she saw him shed some tears as they finished helping her move in and Octavia went off to start a new chapter of her life as a student.

One evening at the end of August, Bellamy kissed her.

It was a picture-perfect moment. They were walking down the beach together at sunset, talking about how amazing the last few months had been and discussing the future, both of them filled with hope. They had stopped at the edge of the water, watched the sky turn a deep orangey-red color, and Bellamy had suddenly grabbed her hand. Clarke had turned her head to look up at him and then he leaned down and kissed her. 

“So, I guess that makes it official,” he had said when they pulled apart.

She had laughed, tangled her hands in his hair, and pressed his lips to hers once again.

She hadn’t even thought about dating or hookups since she got back, because she had been waiting for this. For Bellamy to forgive her, for Bellamy to want to be with her again.

Clarke’s lease had expired a few weeks later, and she had eagerly packed up her belongings and moved in with Bellamy. L.A. had already started to feel more and more like home, more than it had anytime during the two and a half years before she revisited Arkadia, but once she and Bellamy were finally together again and living under the same roof, she knew there was nowhere else she wanted to be.

After that, things just kept getting better and better. 

Bellamy started school at UCLA in September, much to his excitement. Clarke had never seen anyone who was this excited about history before, and she was thrilled for him.

In October, Octavia started dating some guy named Lincoln, who’s family turned out to have an abundance of connections in Hollywood. When Octavia decided to introduce him to Clarke and Bellamy, he recognized Clarke right away, and told her that one of his friends was going to be working on a movie that was looking to cast a fairly unknown actress for the lead role. He gave Clarke the contact info, and she was able to book an audition.

When Thanksgiving rolled around, Wells and his girlfriend finally came to visit her parents. While they had been regularly FaceTiming and updating each other on their lives, Clarke was ecstatic to see her oldest friend in person again. 

And, just a week ago, Clarke officially landed the lead role in a real Hollywood blockbuster.

Filming is set to start the first week of March, but right now, Bellamy and Clarke are on the way back to Arkadia together, just in time to visit their families for Christmas.

They had always talked about cross-country road trips, so they finally decided to make it happen. They’d taken the fastest route to the East Coast this time, only stopping to rest for the night. Once in Arkadia, Bellamy will drop Clarke off at her mother’s, and he’ll stay with Aurora and Octavia, who is flying in on the 23rd. 

The two families will meet up for dinner at the Griffin house on Christmas day, and on the 26th, they’ll turn around and drive back to California.

They have a plan for the drive back to the West Coast - 9 cities to stop in, a ton of detours to cheesy tourist attractions that will make good postcard photos. They’ll make it back just in time for the start of Bellamy’s winter quarter.

“There it is,” says Bellamy, pointing at a sign they’re about to pass.

ARKADIA, NEW JERSEY. POPULATION: 4623

He takes the exit and turns to Clarke once they’re stopped at a red light. “Thank god you decided to come back last year.”

She’s thankful too. She got her friends and her mother back, but most importantly, she got her Bellamy back.

It hadn’t always been the smoothest road, but she knew it would always lead back to him. 

Because he’s her home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's it! 
> 
> Please let me know if you liked it, hated it, want to see more stories from me, etc. I know I'm not the most seasoned writer, but I hope I was able to capture Clarke's conflicting feelings through this fic. Again, all feedback is greatly appreciated (all I ask is that you be kind). 
> 
> Stay safe and I wish you all a happy and prosperous 2021! :)


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